Bear bash

We've called Nolan "Nolly-bear" for as long as I can remember.  Even Gideon picked up on the nickname.  He is a bear in every sense so I knew it would be perfect to throw a bear bash for his first birthday party.

I wanted to do it earlier in the day so that our birthday boy would hopefully be in a good mood, so it was decided that a pancake bar would be the menu.  I {really my mom!} made a ton of pancakes with all sorts of toppings set out to load them up with.  Strawberries, blueberries, sprinkles, chocolate chips, whip cream, butter, Nutella, and syrup.  A side of sausage and some more fruit; milk, juice and coffee and it was a hit.  This was the first party where the kids actually ate the food and we had almost no leftovers which was awesome! But then again, who doesn't love breakfast?

It was a really fun morning and we are so happy to have our one year old!

Where I got it all:
- gingham table cloth | tablecloth factory
- birch tree backdrop {actually a shower curtain that I borrowed} | Amazon
- large wood rounds, small wood rounds, moss, bear figurine | Michaels
    - large square photo prints | Sticky 9
    - bear print | Etsy
    - wooden frame | TJMaxx
    - wooden scoops | Etsy
    - galvanized pails | Target
 

One // Nolan Levi

Nolly bear,
How did we get through a whole year already?  At times it felt long.  But, sitting here typing this, I feel as if I was just squeezing the bed rails in the hospital, just holding on and pushing through so that I could hold you.

You showed up with your stoic personality and have been stomping down our expectations of a second baby ever since.  You have not been the easiest of babies, that is for sure.  But, then again, you are a red-head so I should have known we were in for it.  You tricked us with your amazing sleep habits as a tiny one and then at five months you woke up real good and haven't wanted to be accused of sleeping too much since.  You were a champion nurser from the get-go and laughed in the face of every bottle we tried to give you.  You wanted me.  Just me, and you in the glider.  But, you've also adjusted so well since we weaned this week.

You are such a solemn baby, never giving smiles away for free.  You light up around your brother though and all it takes is one goofy thing from him (usually misbehavior) and you are both belly laughing.  Right now, you give me a mischievous, shy smile while sitting in the bath or your high chair and you have just started to squint your eyes at me and show all your teeth at the same time. You melt me in huge ways.

Nolan, you are a thinker.  Always intently watching, taking things in and mulling them over.  I'm so interested to watch your personality unfold.  You have been talking so much lately, but in reality you are much quieter than your brother.  It helps you to be sneaky, which is hard on me and daddy.  We find you everywhere and in everything.  You are a brave and daring one, for sure.

You love music and stop to watch and dance when you hear it.  You love standing up and now walking.  Walking!!!  One of your favorite things to do is throw things under the couch.  Remotes, toys, socks; you find it and go right to the couch to toss it under.  You could sit in a bath for hours if I let you.  You get it from your mama.  And you eat like a grown man (probably also from your mama!).  You have eight teeth, sleep on your belly, and say "bye" every time you hear us say it.  You are obsessed with our cat and love to unroll all the toilet paper while I get ready in the mornings.

I'm so proud to be your mama!  You redeemed my heartache and have brought joy to our lives. Thank you for being the soft-haired, blue-eyed, fiery boy I needed.  I love you to the highest high and lowest low.  Happy birthday to my big one year old!

Love, Mama

Nolan // eleven months

Nolan Levi | February 3, 2016
Eleven months.  The last one of these posts before he is a year old.  We are in full party planning mode and I can't even believe it.  Time, you are the worst.

Nolan is a daredevil like I've never seen.  His big brother was our cautious one, but this kid scares me constantly.  No fear.  He can stand on his own in the middle of the room so steady.  He walks with his walking toy and often looks like he will take steps on his own.  Taylor found him in the bathroom on the top step of Gideon's bench, pulling stuff off of the cabinet.  Literally into EVERYTHING.  He enjoys pulling books of the shelf, playing in the fireplace, pulling things out of electrical sockets, and putting anything and everything in his mouth.  To say we have to watch him like a hawk is an understatement.

He is saying a few words {talking much slower than Gideon did, obviously since big bro does all the talking these days} like kitty, mama, dada, gi gi, cracker.  He has been sleeping fine {except when we are traveling} and is only waking once a night.  We are weaning right now and hoping to be done and have him sleeping all night by his birthday.  Right now, he only nurses in the morning and before bed so we are getting close and my freedom is within reach.

Other little things: Nolan is starting to wave and interact with strangers.  He is giving smiles more easily these days.  He is still eating great and learned to use a straw cup this month.  He was a ring bearer in his Aunt's wedding {although he did not go down the aisle}.  He loves to play in Gideon's room and LOVE LOVE LOVES bath time.  We are still at eight teeth but have a few more coming in.

Can't believe you are almost one, sweet boy!

Nolan // ten months

Nolan Levi | January 3, 2016
Into a new year we go, and on to ten months with this ginger baby.  Time to start planning a birthday party {entirely too much fun for me!}

This has been a month of big changes for our boy.  After weeks of being on the verge of crawling, he woke up from his nap one day and off he went.  He hasn't stopped since. Crawling, pulling up, standing without holding on, and cruising are his favorite things.  It has forced us to baby proof, but it is also nice that he can get around.  I often find him in Gideon's closet, with big brother, playing. This is such a fun age.

Sleep has been much better this month.  Knock on wood.  He is still waking up once a night, but I am hoping as we wean more, he will stop this utter nonsense.  I found him in his crib at 3 am one night, just standing up and smiling. He cut tooth number seven and is working on number eight as we speak, oh wait, there it is. Only twelve more to go.  #teethingisthepits

Nolan learned to clap right after hitting nine months. It is seriously the cutest thing I've ever seen.  I have to guard my ovaries when he does it, because mama's not ready for that baby fever to hit yet. All you have to do is say "yay" and he will clap.  One of my favorite parts of Gideon's birthday party was right when he blew the candles out and everyone clapped. Nolan joined in after seeing what was happening.

Other little things: Nol had his first Christmas which was a ton of fun!  We visited the chiropractor again because he always responds so well to an adjustment {he finally started crawling the day after this visit!}.  Our Hulk-man is in twelve month clothes and growing out of size 4 diapers.  His current favorite thing is to play with our fireplace screen and pull dad's giant seminary books off the bookshelf.

Happy New Year {and new month} to our Nol!

Nolan // nine months

Nolan Levi | December 3, 2015
Three quarters of a year already.  This is straight up junk, you guys.  I swear I just had this baby and here is basically a man-child.

I wish I could say sleep has changed for the better, but it is still holding steady at status awful.  He's had a few good nights here and there, but still waking up every few hours mostly.  I've stopped even going in his room until at least 4 am.  He's been putting himself back to sleep, so here's hoping this month is the magic month with sleep.

Nolan had a rough month health wise.  He ended up with a rash on his face which was an allergic reaction (he somehow got dairy).  He also had a lot of snot and drainage. I was desperate and took him to the chiropractor again.  She said he was completely out all over, especially his ribs which is probably why he has been hesitant to crawl. He was like a brand new baby after his adjustment!

Speaking of crawling, he is on the cusp.  He rocks and maneuvers himself all over.  We will have full mobile-ness soon.  He is very into pulling himself to his knees or standing.  It's crazy to see him doing these things.

Other little things: We are holding strong at six teeth and probably have a few more coming in.  He is still eating food like a champ.  Loves chicken, peas, green beans, spaghetti, bananas, turkey, or pretty much anything.  He weighed 20 pounds at his last doctors appointment.  He is talking so much more these days and getting animated with his sounds.  My favorite is that he says "gi gi" for Gideon.  He's been laughing up a storm lately, too.

Love you, sugar bear!

Nolan // eight months

Nolan Levi | November 3, 2015
It's November.  And my baby is eight months old.  I'm not going to lie, this past month was a hard one.  With teething nonstop, a stomach bug, and a tiny bit of attachment issues, there were more tears than I thought possible and little, little, little sleep.

Nolan is up to six teeth already!  He is getting them in two at a time and one set right after the other. He is looking so much older with those four top teeth poking down and I love his little smile.  But, teething is a beast for him.  Gideon did not have half the trouble with teething as Nol has and I see I was duped into thinking it wasn't that bad.  It is bad.

Sitting up and playing is a big thing now.  He loves interacting with his brother and we even read some books inside Gideon's teepee this month which had Nolan all sorts of excited.  He pretty much only laughs for G, but does get tickled at a game of pee-a-boo.  We are working on clapping and waving right now and I can see his little wheels turning and trying to figure it out.

Nolan is done with purees and any type of baby food and is full baby led weaning at this point.  He refuses the baby food and loves to eat what we are.  He is so good at picking up the food and self-feeding.  He chews really well, too.  I'm happy with his progress and beginning to like that he can just have what we are having.

Other little things: Gideon visited grandparents for a few days this month which meant Nolan got some one on one time.  He liked it for sure.  He also got to enjoy a weekend in the mountains.  This chunk was the Hulk for Halloween and is in size 4 diapers and 9 month clothes.  Sleep was rough this month, but the past week has been better.  I'm night weaning him right now and it seems to be working!  He is starting to get frustrated that he can't crawl but has gotten up on his hands and knees a few times, rocking back and forth.  It will be no time until he's all over the place.  Watch out Nala kitty.  He's coming for you.

Love you big bear!

It took me a year to write this. Anyone else been here?

{via}

October 6, 2014.  We sat in the darkened ultrasound room for thirty minutes while the technician moved the cold wand with the goo all around my belly checking each and every tiny body part.  She was silent.  We were silent.  I was waiting.

Waiting for her to finally ask us the question.  And then she did, "So, do you want to know the gender?"  Um, yea.  I do. This was the part I was confident she was going to say "it's a girl!"  And cue...

"Mom, what's your guess?"

"GIRL!" I said so matter of factly, I almost made Taylor change his guess.

"Dad?" she asked.

"I'd love if it was a girl, but I'm pretty sure we are having another boy,"  he said, not looking me in the eyes because he knew what my heart was set on.

"Dad, you are right!"  She claimed enthusiastically.  "It is, without a doubt, a boy."

I was stunned.  "A boy?"  I remember stammering out.  She printed out some ultrasound photos for us and asked us to take a seat back in the waiting room. I hazily walked down the hall, slumped into the chair and that's when I lost it.

I cried.  Not just a few trickling, pretty tears.  I ugly lost it equivalent of watching Parenthood or running out of cookie dough. This is not what I had pictured.  Taylor reassured me it was OK to be upset and told me to go ahead and cry.  So I did.  Then was hit with guilt about my feelings and cried again. The guilt ran so deep.

For two days,  I off and on cried while grieving my desire to have a daughter.  I wanted one (and still do) so badly.  I grew up in a family of three girls and while I never had an aversion to having sons I just always pictured myself having girls... or come on, at least one.

It's taken a year to put this into words for myself.  A year.  I wasn't in any way unhappy about having another boy.  I love being a mom of boys.  But, I was sad about the loss of having a daughter.  Will I ever have a daughter?  Prom dress shopping, pedicures, planning a wedding?  Princesses, tea parties, and playtime that doesn't involve wrestling or pretending to be a "bad guy"?  Do I get to share my interests with a mini-me instead of being the mom who is left at home while the boys go to games or camping?

I mourned the loss of my expectations, of pulling out that small stash of "just in case it's a girl" things I have hidden in my closet (Taylor, you didn't read that).  I was so rock solidly confident that we were having a girl, that I ordered a headband the week before the ultrasound, now tucked ever so neatly in the basket with the other things.  I cried because I was scared that I would never experience the opportunity of parenting a little girl.

Once we picked a name, I began to rejoice about this boy. About raising brothers.  And then he was here and I didn't care one ioda that he was a he.  He was here, in my arms.  Safe.

Seven months in after having Nolan and a year after crying in that doctor's office waiting room, I am beyond thrilled about my two boys.  Their bond is something I never pictured and this sweet cuddly, chunk of a bear brings me more joy than I thought possible.

Of course, my heart still craves a girl.  A daughter to call my own.  With time we will see. And I will know next time that my heart is always happy boy or girl.  But, I will give myself the grace to mourn what isn't while also rejoicing about what is.  It's perfectly normal for them to go hand in hand.

Nolan // seven months

Nolan Levi | October 3, 2015
Seven months.  We are getting into that super fun and interactive stage of babyhood.  I love this boy, I love this boy, I love this boy.

At his six month well check, Nolan weighed in just over 18 pounds.  He's not hurting for a meal and loves to nurse and eat.  We have done a mix of baby led weaning and some purees if we are not eating something particularly healthy.  He prefers to get real food.  He is currently working on his pincher grasp and is getting better about getting the food in his mouth.

He is a moving machine.  No crawling yet, but the wheels are turning on it and he is starting to turn himself every which way to get to something he wants.  He sits great on his own and loves being able to interact that way with Gideon.  The two of them is the greatest thing to watch.  They love each other like I've never seen and make each other laugh which is music to my ears.

Nolan has been working on his top two teeth all month which has been less than fun.  There were a couple weeks of awful sleep, but he is slowly getting better and going for longer stretches.

Other little things:  Nol started saying "dada" right at six months.  The past couple weeks he has started to say "mama" a ton and even "baba" for brother since "Gideon" is a bit of a mouthful to say.  He loves to sit up in the bath now and splashes so much he soaks the floor and mama.  He is pretty much in nine month clothes and a few twelve month things.  Excited for the holiday season to start and all the firsts for this sweet bear.

Seven months with my baby boy!

Nolan // six months

Nolan Levi | September 3, 2015
Half a year with this guy! This month has brought the most change and biggest milestone achievements.  He's picked up so many little tricks.

He began rolling just after turning five months old.  Now he is unstoppable.  I've noticed him pushing up on his arms and eyeing toys that are a little further away so I know it won't be too long before I'm chasing him around while he crawls.  Almost time to bust out our baby gates again.  Might be nice to contain our two year old too ;).  He also has started to sit up on his own if we put him that way.  He's getting better and better every time we do it, but still weebles and wobbles and tips right over after a bit.

This month Nolan began taking pretty good and consistent naps in his crib!  Answer to my prayers. And even better yet, we can lay him in there awake and he puts himself to sleep.  All the claps and thumbs up.  It's been super important to us with both boys that they learn to put themselves to sleep. No crying, just talking or snuggling his elephant until he is out.

Other little things:  We are mostly skipping baby food and just been giving him what we eat.  He's had chicken, squash, bread, cantaloupe, pear, peach, and spaghetti.  He got his first tooth just last week and the second this week.  Already working on more!  This has caused some sleep issues at night and I've been getting up a bit more with him.  He never screams or cries at night, just talks until I come and then gives me smiles. He love, love, loves his little stuffed elephant that my mom got it. We named him Wilbur and Nol cuddles him in his crib while he sleeps.  He's such a snuggly bear.

Happy half birthday, sweet boy!

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five months

Nolan // five months

Nolan Levi | August 3, 2015
This party just keeps rolling.  Nolan is the sweetest baby in the world.  I am convinced of it.  He smiles at us all the time and is just so content to be.  I could kiss him all day, every day.

Nol has learned some major motor skills with his hands this month.  He grabs and reaches for everything and has found comfort and relief in putting things in his mouth to chew on.  He loves the teething keys the best and holds on for dear life.  He also is now spending tons of time in his exer-saucer.  He rolled from tummy to back and is so so so close to rolling back to tummy.

We've got a pretty great schedule down this past month.  Usually two to three naps and a consistent nursing schedule.  He's spaced his feedings out now which is a relief to me.  He still will NOT take a bottle and is happy to let me know that he will NOT.  He's been back to sleeping great at night and only wakes once after about 9 to 10 hours of sleep, then goes back down for a few more.

Other little things:  No teeth yet, but he is a drool machine.  Loves bath time, "standing", and being held.  He is a cuddle man.  He only belly laughs at Gideon, but when he gets going it is the best.  He smiles, smiles, smiles all day long.  Has been great in church nursery every week and they always tell me he even takes a little nap (which Gideon never did).  He had his first beach vacation and Fourth of July.

Love you, sugar man!

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Nolan // four months

Nolan Levi | July 3, 2015
The fourth month was a tough one.  Not bad by any means, but tough.  The four month sleep regression hit in waves.  A few nights of getting up three to four times then a night or two of him sleeping ten or eleven hours straight and me thinking all was back to normal to be hit with bad nights again.  Playing with my heart strings or rather my sleepy brain.

Nolan has become super expressive this month.  He smiles big and makes the cutest faces.  He watches and absorbs things and giggles at his brother.  The two of them together gets better every month.  Gideon loves how Nolan is getting more interactive and Nolan has been taken with Gideon from the beginning.

We are working (see trying) to get a nap schedule going for Nolan but it has proven difficult as our days are always different.  He is not fond of napping in his crib and prefers his swing which I would really love to break him of.  He still won't take a bottle... oh, mama needs a break.

Other little things: Nolan is still pretty go with the flow when it comes to outings.  He went to the water park in Charleston (and fell asleep in my arms), to see the angel oak, to the movies, to the pool (and fell asleep in my arms) and the beach. He weighs sixteen pounds and is in the 75th percentile across the board for weight, height, and head size! He loves bath time, chewing on his hands, and has a bottom tooth about to poke through (early teething, ugh).  His hair sticks straight up and is soft, soft, soft and a tiny bit ginger.  He is so close to rolling over, but is pretty good at scooting himself around on his back.

Love you Nolly bear!

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Nolan // three months

Nolan Levi | June 3, 2015

Three whole months today.  This might have been my favorite so far.  Nolan is a low-key and chill baby to the point that sometimes you forget he's there.  No really, I took him to a birthday party last weekend and he slept in his car seat in the corner the entire time and no one even realized he was there.

Nolan is a chunky boy. He is not hurting for a meal and loves to nurse often.  At his two month well-check he weighed 13 pounds 6 ounces which is the 75th percentile.  He fills out his three month clothes and is outgrowing size one diapers already. I can't keep up.

He's a dream baby when it comes to sleep.  He pretty much only wakes once a night and that is after an eight hour stretch and then goes back down for a few more hours.  I keep telling Taylor that if it's guaranteed that all our babies would sleep like him, we would have five more.  He is an on-the-go napper which is basically the best because Gideon is on-the-go.  It is so nice to be able to run errands or go to the park and have Nolan just nap right along.  This will probably bite me in the bum at some point when I want him to nap in his crib.

Other little things:  Up until this month, Nol was pretty stingy with his smiles, but he is in full social smile mode now.  It is the best to walk into his room in the morning and get a full grin from him.  He's even let out a few giggles, but only at Gideon who has full command of his brother's attention.  He had his first road trip for his Uncle Josh's wedding.  We logged twelve hours in the car just between the four towns we visited and Nolan slept all twelve of those hours.  It was amazing.  He's discovered his hands and has started to hold things and is super close to rolling over.  We also moved him into his own room which has made all of us happy.  He loves sleeping in his crib.

Happy three months rolly Nolly.

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Nolan // two months

Nolan Levi | May 3, 2015
And another month down.  This month was fairly low-key as far as things we had going on.  No trips, not a ton of out of town visitors so it was a pretty accurate look at our new normal.  And, I have to say, I think it is going well.  There is definitely still a margin of trial and error when it comes to parenting two at once, but I'm not terrified anymore when they are both crying at the same time.  I just breathe and determine which one needs me the most first (easier said than done, right?)

This boy is a dream when it comes to nighttime sleep.  He has been going down for bed between 7:30 and 8:00 and usually wakes two or three times until he's up for the morning around 7:00 or sometimes even later!  I'll take it.  He usually just wants a diaper change and a little milk in the night and immediately goes back to sleep.  I feel rested which is all I can ask for.

Last month, I wrote how I was cutting dairy because I was certain he was allergic like Gideon.  Three weeks after cutting, he still seemed uncomfortable and was spitting up after every feeding.  I took him to the doctor (where he weighed in over 11 pounds!) and he was positive he has reflux.  Nolan is now on an antacid (which he despises).  His pediatrician said he thought I could continue eating dairy but I was too nervous to follow through.  Last week, I decided to try taking Nolan to a chiropractor as several people had told me it could help with stomach issues in babies.  I saw a huge difference the first day and he seems more content, although still uncomfortable from reflux at times.  His chiropractor advised that I still stay off dairy since a majority of the time if a sibling is allergic they will be as well.  Long story short, still missing chocolate.

Other little things:  we have seen a few smiles this month.  I hate that the reflux usually causes him to be screaming and upset, but he managed to give us a few good ones.  He mostly reserves them for Gideon, of course.  He loves bath time and mostly sleeps while we are out and about, which is so nice for me.  He's moved up to size one diapers and is getting into mostly three month clothes.  We like to call him our Michelin man because of his arm and leg rolls.  I like my babies chubby.  He will be experiencing his first road trip this week and we are hoping he handles it well.

one month

Nolan // one month

Well, here we are again with the monthly updates.  I did updates each month on Gideon through his first year (linked below) which was fun and helpful to look back at.  So let's rock and roll with the Nolan chatter, shall we?

Nolan Levi | April 3, 2015
Holy crap, my baby is a month old already.  It's been a month of adjustment as we figure out this whole two kid thing, but overall, I think the transition was much easier than when we had Gideon because we are a little bit familiar with this whole parenting thing.  Not to say it is easy, far from it in fact.  But, we had an idea of what to expect and we knew sleep would be elusive and caffeine flowing a' plenty.  The most difficult thing has been balancing Gideon's needs with Nolan's needs and meeting them both at the same time.  It will get easier as Nolan grows and is less dependent.

I guess it is hard to give an update this month because Nolan has done three things... eat (a ton), sleep (better at times than others), and poop (no elaboration).  His pediatrician said this is all we needed to be concerned about at this time, so we said live and let live, and he did.  At his three day well-check, he had dropped down to 6 pounds, 12 ounces and twelve days later at his two week well-check he weighed in at a whopping 8 pounds, 1 ounce (after emptying his bladder all over the room) which the doctor said is unheard of.  Grow baby, grow.

The major thing we've noticed this month is how agitated his stomach seems to be.  Long story short, congestion, sore bottom, stomach pain and spit up have led us to believe he has the same dairy issues that Gideon had/has so forth coming, mama is cutting dairy....again.  I was totally hoping this wouldn't happen, but it is.  I know I can do it because I've done it before and survived.  I miss you chocolate.

Other little things: he is use to noise while sleeping, i.e. his loud brother, vacuum, etc.  I like it.  He has wide eyes when awake and forehead wrinkles like his daddy.  His fuzzy blonde hair is growing in nicely and if you call my baby bald, I'll smack you.  He's got a little tuft of hair all over.  No real interests yet, other than letting us know when he's not happy.

We love you Nol!


Gideon: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10  // 11 // 12

Hello, world

I'm a sucker for paper goods and really good design.  I get way too excited about things like Christmas cards, contrasting fonts, and brand new notebooks that I never end up filling.  That's just me.  So birth announcements are a big deal in my little world.  I love sending them to family and friends to say "Hey! We had a baby!"

I used Minted this time because I couldn't get this simple design out of my mind.  The white space and font were spot on for my taste and made my brain do a happy dance.  If you need paper goods use this link and we will both get $25 towards a purchase!

Lately with two

Whew.  How has it been almost three weeks since we had a baby?  It goes so fast with some of the longest days at the same time.  Defying logic all day, everyday.  So here is a little update on life with two in our house...

{one}. The hardest part about having two is meeting both of their needs that arise at the same time when I am by myself.  It is impossible (because it is) to nurse Nolan while he is screaming and help Gideon use the potty at the same time.  So one is usually crying while I help the other and then I switch.  But, we are learning and will get it down.

{two}.  Speaking of Gideon and the potty, he decided this week that he wanted to potty train.  After months of us encouraging it and trying and him objecting, he out of the blue asked to use it.  And I am not one to thwart that party especially when it will mean less diapers.  He's used it several times, but is not fully trained yet.  Any help or advice is welcome!

{three}. Nolan is sleeping pretty great at night.  Usually waking every three to four hours.  Sometimes he gets ahead of himself and is up at two hours.  But, I think it doesn't feel so horrible this time around because A). my body is used to it and B). I know that it ends and I will eventually sleep again.  Maybe not for the next twelve months or so, but at some point, he will be big and sleeping and I will be sad.

{four}. Last week, I started pumping so we could try a bottle.  Several reasons I like to do this.  So Taylor can feed him which he loves, in case I need to be/go somewhere and can't bring Nolan, and for sanity.  He took the bottle right away like a champ and hasn't shown an issue with any of them in the evenings before bed.  I also like to know that he is full (he falls asleep during nursing, but with a bottle I can see how much he has had) before bed!  Yay baby, yay!

{five}. Gideon is obsessed with the Avengers and superheroes in general.  I mean obsessed.  He assigns us all characters.  I am either Cat woman or Black widow.  Taylor is usually Bane or Joker.  I think I get the better end of that deal.

{six].  These got longer than I had anticipated so I will stop for now.

Spring came, my love.

The week after our first miscarriage, I found myself reading Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You.  Her story through carrying and losing her fourth daughter and how her faith played a role throughout.  I had actually read the book before without really knowing why I was, but I see that the Lord was just preparing me for what we would walk and that I would recall so much from this book to bring comfort.

I posted a photo on Instagram that week of this quote from one of the pages:

"However easy it may be to allow myself to wail over my loss, it is a far more satisfying thing to believe that all of this is a brief season.  The Lord I have placed my trust in tells me that I will see my child again, and while He stands beside me, He weeps.  He doesn't weep at the barren ground, nor does He mourn the browning branches.  He cries because I can't see what He can.  And in the fluttering of the breeze, with my heart pressed to His, I can hear Him whisper, Spring will come, my love."

For the months following that loss, I kept praying for my Spring to come. I kept begging for it.  Make it obvious, Lord.  Where is the Spring?  Then we found ourselves facing loss again and I forgot all about the coming Spring.

I think the strangest thing about loss, and the hardest to explain to others, is that I still hurt.  There are no replacement babies.  Sure, having a baby has taken away a lot of the ache and filled me with joy, but there was still loss.  I still hurt as I watch friends and family walk this same path.  As they feel the bleakness that comes with winter and crave the Spring.

I honestly hadn't given much thought to this quote since that time.  Just last week, as I sat holding my few day old baby boy, with our doors flung wide and the breeze rustling the trees, did I remember the Spring.  I couldn't see what He could.  In the midst of the craziness, Spring showed up.  Literally and figuratively.

And I heard Him whisper... Spring came, my love.

A birth story: Nolan Levi

Nolan Levi

March 3, 2015 | 6:41 pm

7 pounds 3 ounces | 20.5 inches

The end of this pregnancy felt so different from my first with Gideon.  I was feeling tons of contractions and knew that I was progressing more than I had with G.  I had high hopes of going into labor early and having a baby before my due date.  I had Nolan before his due date, but it happened a lot differently than I originally thought.

During one of my last appointments, my midwife scheduled a growth ultrasound because they said Nolan was measuring small.  During the ultrasound the tech said everything looked great and he was just small.  She told me to start wiping the gel off of my belly, but then told me to stop.  She had been calculating his percentages and said his size ended up being in the tenth percent which is when they start needing to check other things.  Long story short, when the doctor walked into the room, she explained that my body was having to work extra hard to pump blood through the cord to the baby and that they wanted to induce in my 39th week to insure that it didn't stop pumping altogether or begin pumping backwards.  So, within the next ten minutes, I was asked to choose a day to meet my baby.  March 3.  It felt right and my favorite doctor was on call, so it was set.

This was a week and a half out and I was still hoping that I would go into labor on my own before.  I was progressed to 3 centimeters and 80 percent effaced which looked great.  I stayed 3 cm and 80 percent effaced that entire time.  No progression from then until I was checked the morning of the induction.

We arrived at the hospital before the sun was up.  I was asked a million questions and got my IV inserted for the pitocin, after one blown vein.  Heart monitor for baby, contraction monitor, and blood pressure cuff.  All the horns and whistles.  I was the only woman there as it is a small, new hospital.  I was asked several times about pain management and asked to sign forms for anesthesia, but I kept telling them that I was hoping to do this naturally this time.  The nurses, techs and my doctor were all very supportive.

After a few minutes, I decided I needed to get up and moving so Taylor and I walked the empty halls while dragging the IV pole behind.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  Hoping that this was doing something.  My nurse would occasionally stop me and up the dosage of pitocin.  Each time I celebrated, which she said I was the only patient ever to do.  I was ready to meet this boy and knew the higher the dose the faster it would happen.  I also knew that I needed to have my water broken to progress even faster.  I hadn't progressed with Gideon until they broke mine then and I had a feeling it would be the same now.  Unfortunately, my doctor was stuck in the OR so there was no one to do this yet.

The morning and afternoon slowly began to go by.  The pitocin was at the highest dosage they could give me and my doctor was still stuck in the OR.  My nurse felt horrible as she couldn't give me a time frame.  I knew it wasn't anyone's fault, but I was so frustrated.  I was feeling contractions, but they were manageable and I knew they weren't doing much.  Finally around 2:45 in the afternoon, my doctor made it to my room.  I was right, ZERO progression from earlier.  She immediately broke my water and I was ready for the show.  Or so I thought.

Taylor had skipped lunch since he thought we would have had him much earlier in the day.  So, our moms left to go pick him up some food.  I was starving at this point, but assured Taylor I wanted him to eat in the room.  I needed him nearby.  The contractions were picking up and getting super intense.  I had HGTV on to distract my mind.  Each time a contraction hit, I closed my eyes and held onto the bed rails to concentrate.  Taylor hurried through his food and joined me on the bed to hold my hand.  He constantly reminded me to breathe as I often found myself holding my breath.  In through your nose, out through your mouth.  He was entirely too calm.

I was in tons of pain and asked my nurse if I could be checked.  I was praying to be complete, but had a feeling I wasn't.  With Gideon, I had no doubt when it was time to push.  I didn't feel that pressure yet.  My nurse checked me and said I was almost at a 7.  She asked if I wanted to stand in the shower or use a birth ball.  I opted for the birth ball because the thought of being wet did not sound appealing at this point.  I sat and swayed on the ball while laying my head on the bed.  Taylor sat behind me and kneaded my back because it hurt so bad.  He turned on some slower music which helped until a nursery nurse came in to ask me more questions that I was positive I had already answered.  Taylor answered for me while I gave the lady death stares.  Is that really necessary while I'm in the MIDDLE OF LABOR?

I was beginning to feel light headed so I decided to get back in the bed before falling on the floor.  This is when everything got beyond intense.  I couldn't stay quiet during contractions anymore and I am pretty sure I almost broke the bed from how hard I was pushing on the rails with each contraction.  HGTV went off and Taylor watched the mountains climb on the paper and continued to coach me through them.  Anytime he stepped a few inches away from me, I freaked.  I needed him right by me and he assured me he wasn't going anywhere.

I begged for my doctor to come check me and she rushed in to do so.  An 8.  In my mind I was freaking out.  Two more centimeters to go.  How in the heck was I going to make it two more centimeters?  For some reason it seemed like it would take forever so I began to second guess my decision to not have an epidural.  My doctor suggested I try a few more things before jumping to pain medication and asked if I could flip over the top of my bed.  I hung over the top while my doctor climbed on the bed and pressed on my back.  She asked me to rock with each contraction.  This was the most painful part of the entire day and in my mind I was breaking.  I groaned through it and after a few minutes told them I needed to pee.  I didn't make it off the bed though and apologized as Taylor helped me to the bathroom.  I could see that the bed was covered in blood.

I sat on the toilet and screamed through another contraction as Taylor held my face and told me to focus.  I looked him in the eyes and told him I HAD to have an epidural.  (He told me later, he knew they wouldn't give me one at this point).  I walked out of the bathroom as they were re-dressing the bed and begged my doctor for an epidural.  She calmly asked me to lay down and be checked and happily told me I was complete.  This was it.  I had made it.

My mom grabbed one leg and Taylor's mom grabbed the other.  Taylor stayed near my head to encourage me.  I was dreading this part, as I had pushed for three hours with Gideon.  It was part of the reason I chose to do it naturally.  I wanted to be able to better feel what I was doing in order to push.

I pushed three times with each contraction.  After two pushes, my doctor said he was blonde and I couldn't believe it.  A few more pushes, but I could feel with each one what I was doing and that it was helping.  Both our moms had tears as they kept encouraging.  I whispered to Taylor to pray that this was my last push.  One more big push and my doctor calmly looked at me and told me I needed to stop pushing for a second.  I had no clue why especially with how much pain I was in, but I stopped.  No one told me until much later, but the cord was around Nolan's neck.  My mom said later that she was really worried because he was so blue.  Taylor said our doctor was so amazing at holding it away from his neck and getting him unwrapped.  (The doctor who delivered him was phenomenal and I would not have made it through the day without her!  She is the reason I chose that day).

After 21 minutes of pushing, with one more big push they laid him on my chest.  That same relief I felt after having Gideon flooded me again and I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I cried and cried and kept saying, You're here.  You're here.  I think with everything we went through with loss and getting pregnant, I couldn't believe he was finally here in my arms.  Nolan let out the biggest cry right away, as if to let us know he was there.

I snuggled him for a while before they took him to get measurements.  We celebrated when they announced he was seven pounds, three ounces.  Bigger than they had estimated he would be.  Already proving them wrong!  I delivered the placenta and was sown up which was a much better experience this time around.

Our moms left the room to meet my dad and Gideon in the waiting room.  My dad had pulled into the parking lot with G at the exact moment that my mom sent him a text to tell him that Nolan was here.  Talk about perfect timing.  I nursed Nolan and Taylor left to get Gideon.  We wanted a few minutes just us as a family of four.

Gideon came in and was instantly interested in everything.  He wanted to know about the baby bassinet and all different things in the room.  Then he saw Nolan in my arms.  We asked if he wanted to touch him, thinking he would just touch his head quick to start warming up, but he leaned in and kissed his brother's head and my heart exploded.  We had a gift for Gideon "from Nolan" and he was so excited about it. He also had a gift for Nolan.  Taylor got G situated on the couch and helped him hold Nolan.  Nothing in the world like seeing that.

It was a completely crazy experience and so different than the one I had with Gideon.  I'm glad and I know that I will never forget the details of either one.  So worth it to have my rainbow baby safely in my arms.