Good Friday

Gideon must have read my post from yesterday because he slept through the whole night. Good Friday indeed.

Our forecast is calling for rain from today through Sunday and at first I was really bummed about it.  I wanted to sit in the sun today and play outside with Gideon, but I honestly think this weather and the cloud-cover we are experiencing has made me consider what the day we celebrate was really like.  Stormy and dark.  I read Gideon the parts in his storybook Bible about the cross, death and resurrection of Jesus.  I don't know what it was about how they worded it for kids, but the part about the resurrection was so exciting and I kept repeating it over and over and Gideon was getting excited and I fell in love with the cross all over again for more than it being just a story.  It's real.  And the excitement is real.

Despite this week being hard, we spent a fun evening dyeing eggs. The eggs turned out horrible, but we didn't care. We had fun together.  Next year, I promise to use vinegar and not just water and maybe our eggs will actually get some color.

"He is not here, for he has risen, as he said." - Matthew 28:6

And here is a peek inside Gideon's Easter basket:

Two shirts, sandals, board book (Duck & Goose), chalk, suckers, applesauce, and 50 Avengers temporary tattoos (cause every needs that, right?)

In the dumps

I seriously wasn't lying when I said March has it out for us.  Stomach bug times five (three for Gideon), Roseola, sleepless nights.  And then just for fun, a little urgent care visit yesterday for the boy who fell into a bookshelf.  Straight up rocketed himself at the perfect angle resulting in a nice gash above his eye.  Thank goodness Taylor was home for lunch or you would have seen a mess of me all over the place.  It looks worse than it is and Gideon was fine a few minutes after it happened.  He even graced us with a little dance performance in the waiting room to "I will survive" no less.

I won't lie.  I have been so down this month with everything going on.  I feel worthless as a mother when I can't figure out what Gideon is feeling or what to do for him.  I feel helpless when I can't get him to sleep and even worse when I get angry about it and raise my voice.  I've felt like a coworker to Taylor and not a wife.  I feel guilty when all I want is to disappear and be by myself or when I look at the day and decide that it wasn't fun or good or nothing of significance was accomplished.  Then I dwell on whether or not I am doing anything significant or of worth with my life and the vicious cycle of bad thoughts continue.  In a way, it has stumped me into a semi-depression and I find myself overwhelmed.

I told Taylor yesterday that I hope all of these things happening mean we are doing something really right and Satan is attempting to bring us down.  But the more I think about it, it may be a means to wake us up.  Maybe I need this month to see that the other months are awesome despite the lack of a laundry list of accomplished things.  Maybe I need this month to appreciate my husband and all he does for me.  Maybe I need this month in order to trust God in the little circumstances and allow Him to take the stress I bare day in and day out. Maybe we are doing something really, really right, but there is probably a greater possibility of us doing something really, really wrong and losing sight of why we are here.  At least for me.

I don't want to allow myself to gravitate and lounge in a place of sadness.  I don't like being there and I certainly don't want it to cloud my vision of the awesome things around me.  March has been March and it is coming to an end.  April will bring a renewal and a chance to use this past month to grow us.  In the meantime, I am bunkering down for another four days.

"Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1

A little about Job

I found myself reading Job the past few days. Depressing, huh?  I actually find it beautiful.   I haven't been able to get the words "Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him" {Job 13:15}  out of my head and I wanted to dig deeper into the book to understand everything surrounding this claim.  There is so much that goes into this story and I can't sit here and shout that I understand it all.  I don't.  I am no theologian and often find myself feeling utterly under-qualified to explain anything from the Bible.  

Job is so outstanding that God sees and proclaims he is good.  And that is when Satan asks to test him, claiming that once Job loses everything, he will turn from God.  And he loses EVERYTHING, you guys.  Land, livestock, family.  Family.  Did you get that?  His children.  And yet he worshipped God.  I love verse 22 in chapter 1, "In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." Of course this doesn't satisfy Satan, so he attacks his health.  "In all this Job did not sin with his lips"{Job 2:10}.  This is not to say Job took it all in stride. There were questions and clear discouragement with where he was. There were good intentioned friends giving advice.  And in the midst of it all, he makes that claim that resonated with me, "still I will hope in him."

I found this song and video while searching for more information on this verse.  It gave me a peace about this time in my life and knowing it is not being meaningless. It is doing something and I find myself again hearing that it is unseen to me.  I can't see what He can.  It has been easy to let my mind wander about things I have done wrong and imagining some correlation between that and our loss, but that's not it at all.  

"Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty.  For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal." -Job 5: 17-18

How He uses others to teach me.

The Lord has a way of always using other people to teach me things that I need in a certain moment.  He is perfect in bringing me down to a level that I thought I was above and each time He does it, I marvel at how I didn't see it before.  Well, I know the answer to that.  It is my pride.

The past five months have been super hard (and rewarding) in a myriad of ways. At the beginning of the Summer, Taylor began looking for a new job.  He was not satisfied with where he was and as a result he was coming home with his mind bogged down with worry and anger.  It was hard for all of us.

The job search was extensive and took him away from home more than I wanted. On top of the search, his current job, at the time, was hogging the remainder of his hours, leaving me at home most days (all day) by myself with Gideon. I even sometimes said that I felt like a single parent. I was exhausted and as a result, I turned to the easiest target, which was Taylor and took my anger out on him.  Every little thing he did was wrong in my eyes. He didn't put his coffee mug in the dishwasher.  Check. He wasn't home to take Gideon off my hands for a few minutes. Check.  EVERY. LITTLE. THING.  made me mad.

I naively thought I would stop this after we moved. Everything would be good, right?  Nope.  He left the toilet seat up....again (which he never has done before in our marriage!). He's home too much and I just need alone time. (I know it even sounds crazy). I think I wanted to find ways to be mad at him. I wanted there to be fault in the things he was doing because it made me feel better about the ways I was failing.

Well, fast forward a week. At our new church, we do home groups instead of Sunday school classes. A small group of people that meet each week to share a meal, prayer and a chance to lift each other up.  Our group is made up of five young families just like us.  (Gideon gets to play with lots of other kiddies!).  We went for the first time last week and it is there that the Lord met me and brought to my attention that my attitude was holding me back.

Our little town is a huge military town.   One young mom in our group began to share and ask for prayer.  In that moment, she broke down crying as she talked about her husband, who is deployed, and about the hard time they were all having at this point.  Three months in and six to go.  My heart broke for her.  In this moment, she is a single mother.  Who am I to compare my situation to hers?  I complain about the little things while I know she would give anything to have her husband there to leave the toilet seat up (But, Taylor, if you are reading this, it still needs to be down.  I almost fell in!).  This woman has a gorgeous house that I would die to live in, but I know she would trade it in a heartbeat for my apartment if it meant having her husband there to watch their three-year-old grow each day.

Who am I to complain?

So, in this new town.  In that setting.  In that moment.  The Lord used a woman, whom I barely know, to teach me that where I am and what I have is so much more than I see and so much more than I allow it to be.

*This picture was taken before we got married.  Such babies!*

Hubs did WHAT?

Saturday, one of Taylor's good friends and college roommate got married.  And guess what?  Tay did the ceremony.  His first and he hit it out of the ballpark.  I was a proud, proud wife.  He had great things to say, and even better made it short and sweet because I needed cake. OK, he didn't do it just for me.  They wanted it simple and I thought it was amazing.  Short and sweet.  That's all you need.  I had trouble getting some good pictures, but to set the mood, the weather was unbelievably perfect.  A crisp Fall day if you will.  And it got to the point where I told Taylor I was freezing during the reception.  And now onto a few pictures from the gorgeous day. Oh, and because their wedding was so cute, I can't help but narrate the pictures as we go. Hope you don't mind.

^^ Cute, right?  They got married on the groom's parent's front porch! ^^

^^ They cut up sheets for hay bales for the guests to sit on. ^^

^^ Paparazzi, much? They were having so much fun! ^^

^^ Tay was a little preoccupied with the Alabama game on his phone prior to the service.  And they won.  Roll tide. ^^

^^ Getting things set up. And he's all mine (well, and Gideon's) ^^

^^ The bride's adorable niece! She decided during the processional that she did NOT want to ride in the wagon.  All good. ^^

^^ The picture on the right starts a little series for the next few pictures.  One of the cutest ideas I have ever seen. ^^

^^ That Coke cooler was filled with Blue Moon. ^^

^^ This is always one of my favorite parts of a wedding.  Minus the late comers standing back there and most likely destroying the professional photos. ^^

^^ And there is my husband in action.  Can you tell I am proud?  I am PROUD! ^^

^^ Reception.  Still on groom's parent's land! ^^

^^ I seriously followed those cupcakes outside until it was time to have one.  And then I was the first in line.  ^^

^^ The groom (Ben) and Taylor.  College freshmen roommates. ^^

^^ And this came home with us.  And disappeared fast.  And was the best I have ever tasted. ^^

Congrats Ben & Holly.  We love you and loved your wedding!

Green thumb...not me.

I do not have a green thumb.  I repeat.  I DO NOT have a green thumb.  I struggle to keep plants alive. Maybe it is because I don't take the time to focus on them and nurture them in the ways they need.  I kept one small plant alive in high school because it was the most low-maintenance plant ever.  As in, I dumped my leftover water from my nighttime cup in it every once in a while and left it by my window and it somehow decided that it wanted to live with me and grew bigger.

Flowering plants and I don't get along.  They are beautiful until they are not.  I love them, love them until I look over and realize I waited too long to do something with it and it is now brown and ugly and leaving remnants of my awfulness all over the table or floor.

I do however have one green plant that is thriving right now.  And I love it for it.  This plant is so special and I would be upset if it did not live, but I have kept it alive for 18 months so far with no sign of it dying soon.

This plant was given to us right after Taylor's dad passed away in December of 2011. That entire week is a blur and it happened so fast.  Taylor's family was blessed with so many loving people and it showed in all the plants and flowers they received before, during and after the funeral.  My MIL's house looked like a nursery.  And she was a little overwhelmed and not sure what to do with them so she started to give them away.  I took this green plant that looked pretty easy to deal with and I am glad I did.  I knew I wanted to keep this plant alive as long as possible so I immediately got a pot and planted it, luckily it is low-maintenance so I just have to remember to water it once in a while.

I love when people give plants at funerals instead of floral arrangements.  While the flowers are beautiful, the family has to watch them turn brown and die which sometimes just reminds them of the life they lost.  A plant can grow and thrive reminding of the life that was LIVED and continues to bring joy throughout the years.  That's what this plant is for us.  It grows and smiles from on top of our fridge and I hope someday to plant it in a yard of our own at a house of our own.  Always taking Taylor's dad with us because he is!

Choosing Thankfulness

This is hard to write, because choosing to be thankful is hard.

The hospital bills have started rolling in.  Yes, it isn't cheap to have a baby.  I told Taylor just the other day that it isn't right because I did all the hard work. ;)  But, nonetheless, the bills are here.

In this moment, I am choosing thankfulness instead of angst.  Thankfulness instead of blame.  Thankfulness instead of irritation.

I am thankful, despite the politics, for a healthcare system.  I am thankful that I knew beyond anything that Gideon was going to be born with people there to make sure it went smoothly and that he would have amazing care in those few days.  I am thankful for the insurance I have that paid for most of the bills, even if we still have some to pay for.

Leading up to Gideon's birth, Taylor would often look at me and say, "Do you think we have blown this out of proportion?"  He wasn't talking about us specifically, but us as a society.  I mean, we are so grateful for all the wonderful things we were given for Gideon, but as we looked at it all (I mean really, Boogie wipes?  Who makes money off of this stuff?) we couldn't help but feel that it is an abundance.

Taylor would laugh and say something about how women in other countries probably have the baby, strap it on her back and go back out in the field.  And while we all laugh at the picture this creates, it probably isn't far from reality.

So today, as we write out these checks.  I choose thankfulness.

contentment

I want things.  I like things. But things, aren't everything.

It is so easy these days to be discontent with what we have or lack of what we have.  I love Pinterest, but at the same time I hate it.  I love pinning things I find pretty, exciting, cool, but it spawns a desire within me to have what I don't need. For a while, I was sad that Pinterest did not exist while I was planning our wedding. Now, I am glad I didn't because I honestly think it would have created unrealistic expectations for the day and I feel our wedding was absolute perfection.

I have always loved clothes and shopping for things.  I mean, I could walk into Target and walk out with about 20 cool things I just had to have.  But, who couldn't because Target blesses my heart.

I have been thinking a great deal lately about contentment with physical things.  After having G, I am officially "out of work" because Taylor and I felt it would be better for me to stay at home with Gideon.    We are so blessed and glad with this decision, but at the same time, we could have more things if I did work.  (Well, maybe not with how much daycare runs these days).

But, things don't bring true joy.  True joy is the smiles I get in the morning when I wake up after a not so full night of sleep.  The giggles while he is passing gas.  Yes, I got a boy for sure.  True joy is reading his little Bible to him or singing Hillsong when he is fussy and having him relax.  

I am not saying it is wrong to want things.  I want things for sure.  I am dying over the camera from this post.  I mean so much so, that I have made Taylor promise to not get me presents for Valentine's day or my birthday and instead put money in my jar. Yes, I have a jar that I am saving money in for that camera.

And yes, there is no money in it yet! Working on it. Yes, the series "what I have my eye on" 1, 2, 3 is a compilation of wanted things, but I understand they are things we don't need. But anyways, you just can't let the things you want, become everything.

The past few weeks alone, I have taken over 5 trash bags full of things to Goodwill.  As in, things I had to have at one point, but now have so little regard for that I am giving them away for free.  I try to remember this each and every time I see something I "have to have."  What a lying little phrase.  I don't have to have it.  No, not one bit.  I have Taylor, Gideon, and most importantly the true Provider of joy.

Our journey to Baby B...

Deciding to have a baby is the biggest decision we have made thus far in our marriage.  It is a little more entailed than picking what's for dinner.  We made this giant step last May and the reality of the decision did not sink in right away. 


In my naive mind, I planned on holding a sweet baby in my arms 9 months from the moment we reached this decision.  Ten months later, my arms were still empty and my emotions were scattered. The journey to our baby was different than either of us expected.


Hubs took the more mature and logical approach to the situation, of course. "It will happen when it is meant to."  If only I could believe his words.  I knew they were true, but I wanted this on my time.  Why did the Lord not understand my desire to be a mother?


The second month resulted in a positive test...followed by two negatives.  We landed at the doctors to hear them tell us we had a very early miscarriage.  We both felt broken.
Each and every month I counted the days and took the test and ended up crying in the bathroom.  I don't know how my sweet Hubs put up with me.  I call this my "emotionally unstable" era. 


Satan used this time to embed all kinds of lies in my mind.  "You can't get pregnant.  It will never happen for you."  To make things worse, every where I turned there seemed to be pregnant woman or pregnancy announcements.  


We cried out to the Lord, "Hear our prayers. You know what we want."


But what does He want?


What are His plans for us as parents?  What are His plans for our baby? I never stopped to consider this.  


Month ten came and with it a renewed mindset.  Our pastor asked our church to take an entire week as a "Thanksgiving week."  Instead of asking of the Lord during prayer we were to thank Him for what he has already done and accomplished.


Our prayers changed from "please Lord" to "thank you for allowing us this time to prepare ourselves to be parents" and "thank you for this opportunity to save money so we can bring a baby into a financially stable home."  


For the first time, our prayers were positive and were seeking the Lord for the right reason.  Don't get me wrong.  He wants us to come to Him and ask of Him. But we must always remember to thank Him.


Just a few weeks later, almost as an afterthought, I took a test.  It was positive.  


The point of this is not to say that the Lord "finally" answered our prayer. He was answering it all along. For ten months, the answer simply was "not yet."


He was faithful the day we decided to become parents. 


He was faithful the day we lost one so early on.


He was faithful each and every day for ten months.


He remains faithful today.