I won't lie. I have been so down this month with everything going on. I feel worthless as a mother when I can't figure out what Gideon is feeling or what to do for him. I feel helpless when I can't get him to sleep and even worse when I get angry about it and raise my voice. I've felt like a coworker to Taylor and not a wife. I feel guilty when all I want is to disappear and be by myself or when I look at the day and decide that it wasn't fun or good or nothing of significance was accomplished. Then I dwell on whether or not I am doing anything significant or of worth with my life and the vicious cycle of bad thoughts continue. In a way, it has stumped me into a semi-depression and I find myself overwhelmed.
I told Taylor yesterday that I hope all of these things happening mean we are doing something really right and Satan is attempting to bring us down. But the more I think about it, it may be a means to wake us up. Maybe I need this month to see that the other months are awesome despite the lack of a laundry list of accomplished things. Maybe I need this month to appreciate my husband and all he does for me. Maybe I need this month in order to trust God in the little circumstances and allow Him to take the stress I bare day in and day out. Maybe we are doing something really, really right, but there is probably a greater possibility of us doing something really, really wrong and losing sight of why we are here. At least for me.
I don't want to allow myself to gravitate and lounge in a place of sadness. I don't like being there and I certainly don't want it to cloud my vision of the awesome things around me. March has been March and it is coming to an end. April will bring a renewal and a chance to use this past month to grow us. In the meantime, I am bunkering down for another four days.
"Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1