In the dumps

I seriously wasn't lying when I said March has it out for us.  Stomach bug times five (three for Gideon), Roseola, sleepless nights.  And then just for fun, a little urgent care visit yesterday for the boy who fell into a bookshelf.  Straight up rocketed himself at the perfect angle resulting in a nice gash above his eye.  Thank goodness Taylor was home for lunch or you would have seen a mess of me all over the place.  It looks worse than it is and Gideon was fine a few minutes after it happened.  He even graced us with a little dance performance in the waiting room to "I will survive" no less.

I won't lie.  I have been so down this month with everything going on.  I feel worthless as a mother when I can't figure out what Gideon is feeling or what to do for him.  I feel helpless when I can't get him to sleep and even worse when I get angry about it and raise my voice.  I've felt like a coworker to Taylor and not a wife.  I feel guilty when all I want is to disappear and be by myself or when I look at the day and decide that it wasn't fun or good or nothing of significance was accomplished.  Then I dwell on whether or not I am doing anything significant or of worth with my life and the vicious cycle of bad thoughts continue.  In a way, it has stumped me into a semi-depression and I find myself overwhelmed.

I told Taylor yesterday that I hope all of these things happening mean we are doing something really right and Satan is attempting to bring us down.  But the more I think about it, it may be a means to wake us up.  Maybe I need this month to see that the other months are awesome despite the lack of a laundry list of accomplished things.  Maybe I need this month to appreciate my husband and all he does for me.  Maybe I need this month in order to trust God in the little circumstances and allow Him to take the stress I bare day in and day out. Maybe we are doing something really, really right, but there is probably a greater possibility of us doing something really, really wrong and losing sight of why we are here.  At least for me.

I don't want to allow myself to gravitate and lounge in a place of sadness.  I don't like being there and I certainly don't want it to cloud my vision of the awesome things around me.  March has been March and it is coming to an end.  April will bring a renewal and a chance to use this past month to grow us.  In the meantime, I am bunkering down for another four days.

"Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer." Psalm 4:1