02 January 2015

Compelled to share

Over the last year, I often questioned why I wrote about and shared the things I have.  Why did I feel the need to open up about miscarriage and loss in the form of the internet?  With the first one it seemed more obvious.  I was pretty far along and we had just publicly announced that we were having a baby.  Do you just pretend you didn't and not post anything? Do you skim over it?  I thought about it, but I couldn't.  I didn't want it to seem like it didn't happen and something kept nagging me within to write.  I couldn't help it.  I had to write.

What I didn't expect or see coming were the flood of messages and emails.  Facebook friends and those who I knew some, but not much, that were writing to tell me they've been there.  They are walking it now.  Facing another of multiple miscarriages.  Deciding between passing the baby naturally or having a D/C.  Struggling with infertility for several years.  My heart broke with each one and I cried.  I couldn't help it.  I knew the pain they faced day in and day out.  It was tangible to me and I realized I share because this journey is such a lonely one.

People could talk about pregnancy all day.  Cravings, movement, names, nurseries.  But, this place of loss is one that many people choose not to delve into.  It's a place where your husband finds you in the bathroom at three in the morning after you just discovered it's happening again.  He is dealing with the pain as well, while simultaneously feeling the need to stay strong for you, but it's also something he can't fully understand as you see your hopes and dreams bleed out.  It's a sacred place and often it is hard to put into words the feelings you have about losing something/someone you hadn't yet met.  It is also hard for friends and family to know how to respond.  Like I said, it's a lonely place.

I know the Lord was the urging for me to be so open.  Not necessarily for me to be the backbone to these other ladies, but for them to support me as well.  Knowing we both experienced these losses is the glue that held us together.  It's a silent club of walking wounded and sharing that with each other allowed us to all feel less alone.

The first couple months in this pregnancy with Nolan, I found myself in a place of constant insomnia.  Wide awake at one or two in the morning most nights.  The only thing I could think to do was pray.  So every night, the faces of each of the ladies who had messaged me found their way into my mind and I prayed.  Lord, let this be theirs too.  Hear their cries.  No more loss.  I wiped tears and cried for those who I didn't know well, but felt like I did.

I write all this to say, He is faithful and he continues to show me that each day.  Slowly, but surely the announcement posts have been popping up from these same women.  EXPECTING!  Due in May, June, July.  Each and every time I see one my heart races from excitement.  It's theirs too.  The joy is theirs.  Messages after positive tests.  Sharing the fear of those first few weeks as they wait to hear that heartbeat.  The long wait from infertility over as they see the profile in the ultrasound.  And, I know in those moments why I felt compelled to share.  To make this journey a whole lot less lonely and to see the faithfulness of the Lord revealed again and again.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...