30 June 2014

June 30

Today's a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I should be having a baby today.  Or in the next week. At least that's what we had planned for.  A summer baby.  June 30.

My whole heart aches today as I sit here wondering what happened and as I look at my still flat stomach wishing it was round and growing.  It still isn't.  Oh, how I wish this day was different.

The past six, almost seven, months have been some of the most difficult.  I try to keep this blog an upbeat, mostly happy (with a few tangents) place, not wanting to bog it down with sadness because truly there has been plenty of joy.  But, the pain has been present despite sharing it here.  What would have been milestones in the pregnancy have always been in the back of my mind and sometimes have spilled out in tears.  Driving home from church in the dark, knowing we would have found out girl or boy.  Laying in bed and telling Taylor I would have been 37 weeks, full term.  June 30, our due date.

There have been many tears since December and at times I have told Taylor the past six months have felt like a cruel joke.  I've often found myself on the floor of the kitchen screaming out to the Lord.   Why?  Why couldn't I keep my baby? Why must I face this twice in half a year? 

The past few weeks, I've been in a fog.  I didn't expect this to hit me so hard and I don't know why.  I remember sitting in my mom's car on New Year's Eve, outside of the restaurant on a day where others are celebrating, and I cried.  My mom reminded me that little things would trigger my pain and reminded me that today would probably be hard.  I guess I didn't expect it to get here so quickly.

I cried on Gideon's due date.  I was sick of being pregnant.  Sick of feeling huge.  I was ready to hold my baby.  I cry today, too.  I'm sick of not being pregnant.  Sick of feeling empty.  I'm ready to hold my baby and wishing it had been today.

 Many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God.  But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.  I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill.  I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.  I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around.
-Psalm 3:2-6

1 comment:

  1. Prayed for you today, dear friend. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I do know that He will sustain you and his Truth is good. Love to you. xoxo.


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