22 August 2013

He was always here.

I remember the overwhelming feeling after Gideon was born that nothing would ever be the same.  Well, yea Em.  I constantly was asking when things would get back to "normal."  Guess what?  Normal has changed.

I sat in the kitchen eating dinner with Gideon in his highchair last night.  Taylor was at work and all of a sudden I couldn't remember what I did on nights like these before Gideon.  Did I pick up take-out?  Did I eat leftovers, like I do now?  Did I watch T.V.? Clean? I can't remember.  I know there was life before Gideon.  I remember parts of it, but in these everyday moments, it doesn't seem to have ever been.

I think he was always here.  Always a part of me and a part of Taylor.  He was a part of our story from the beginning and now that he is physically here, we can't remember life without him.  I had music playing while Gideon and I sat in the in the kitchen.  The song I walked down the aisle to came on and the memories of that day flooded my mind.  I remember that day, and yes it was before Gideon.  But as I hear that bridge swell and remember the look on Taylor's face as the doors opened and he saw me, I also see Gideon.  He was a part of it all.

I know deep within, I will feel this way about each of our children as we have them.  I won't "remember" life before them.  They will have always been a part of us.  I keep telling Taylor that I want to hurry up and have all our babies so we can feel complete in our family.  I'm ready for that "normal."

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." -Jeremiah 1:5 

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