Rambling

*Disclaimer: This post is just me rambling about my own reality as a mother.  I hope it doesn't come off as complaining.  In no way shape or form is it meant to. I love being a mother more than anything and wouldn't trade it for the world.*

There are certain realities that come with being a mother.  Your life is not your own.  You have a responsibility to your baby.  I had a baby really young by most people's standards.  Twenty four is young, especially in a society where 30 is the new 20.  I am a firm believer that everyone is on their own time table and no one should be held to someone else's idea of when things should happen in their life.  But this also makes life interesting when you are in a different place than friends.

I have found that it is so difficult to do anything on my own.  It's not as easy for me to go off and do things I want to do, as it is for Taylor. He can easily decide to go up the road to watch the college basketball championship with a friend.  I must be honest and say, I am jealous of Taylor.

Any time I want or need to go somewhere it comes with deliberate and careful planning to be sure that Gideon is fed and has anything he may need while I am gone.  And sometimes the idea of all the work it takes for me to go off on my own exhausts me even more than I already am and it isn't even worth it.

I know many people wonder why I would need time alone or feel as exhausted as I do.  Stay-at-home-mom, right?  Piece of cake, right?  I am twenty million more times exhausted than I ever was working 40 hours a week.  There is no break.  Morning, noon, night.  It goes and goes and goes and I have to be on it at all times.  But he naps right?  Yes, and sometimes I fall into such a deep sleep for those 45 minutes that I have intense dreams.  That is how tired I am.  I use to imagine what it would be like when I got to stay at home.  In my mind, I would have projects to do, cook all the time and keep our home clean.  Let me tell you, I am so OCD that I deep-cleaned our old apartment EVERY weekend.  Now I feel accomplished when I make the bed and it's a miracle if I vacuum every two weeks.

I dream of laying in my bed for two hours to sleep, uninterrupted and not having a baby in the next room where I can hear his cries which makes sleep impossible.  I dream of the chance to go out with the girls without worrying who is going to watch Gideon while Taylor has to be at the church. Or be able to be a great bridesmaid for a great friend without feeling like I am constantly having to bow out of the events that go along with the honor.  I don't want to be that friend who constantly has her baby with her.  And then I feel like the worst mother for wishing for time without him.  It is the hardest balance I have ever faced in my life.

You always hear the warnings before becoming parents about making time for your marriage and each other.  We have that part down pat. You never hear the warnings about balancing yourself.  This motherhood thing is all parts wonderful and all parts confusing.

I have been an emotional mess lately, mostly on the inside as I sort through these feelings and realities that come along with this new life.