21 February 2014

she who is brave is free

Free.  This word has been spoken into my life so much recently.  And deep down I know I need it.   The past two months have been some of the hardest of my life and I have internalized a majority of it in an attempt to protect my family and myself from more hurt and pain.  But bravery leads to freedom and I crave the freedom more than the protection.

I allowed the fear to take over my marriage and seep into every aspect of my life.  My fear made me start to question so many things.  I told Taylor last week that I don't question the goodness of God or His love for me.  But, I can't help but ask,  Lord, why does this have to be my story?  

I've written about my planning nature and about how losing control is the hardest thing in the world for me.  My fear took me to the place where I still made plans deep inside but would never externally express any of it.  I hoarded it and allowed it to eat me alive when I began to see that those plans were inevitably crumbling again and again and again.

I finally couldn't handle it anymore and didn't want to go it alone.  I put my brave face on and shared with Taylor everything I have felt and am feeling.  My anxiety, my fear, my broken heart and broken plans.  The things that drive me up a wall in this fragile time and the things that paralyze me on a daily basis.  While sitting on our bed with tears running (seriously ugly cry), Taylor said the most profound thing to me.

When Satan went to God and said, "allow me to do this,"  the Lord said "You can do it, but after it is done, they will still praise Me.

If that is the best thing to come out of this, it is enough.  If I needed to hear myself say He is still good, then it is enough.  I'm ready to search deep within and find my bravery and be free.  Free from anxiety that I won't get pregnant again soon. Free from the fear that it will happen again.  Free from the darkness that overwhelms me and causes me to question.  Brave enough to say, This is the story I've been given and I'm going to use it and embrace it.  

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

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