13 December 2013

No heartbeat.

The last couple of days have felt like a nightmare.  But, then I wake up and discover that it is real, time and time again.  There is no heartbeat.  There is no baby.  Not anymore.  I keep seeing myself in that ER bed hearing the doctor say, "miscarriage" and I still feel like it wasn't me.  It can't be me, right?

But, it is.

As they wheeled me into ultrasound I remember thinking, Jesus, you're still the same.  You are the same when I enter this room as when I leave it.  And I really believe it.  He is the same and was the same on December 12 as he was on December 13 and December 14.  I believe it.  But, it doesn't make me hurt any less.

I know I am not the first woman to go through this loss.  I know I won't be the last.  I know there are mothers who hold their babies in their arms before having to give them up.  But, it doesn't make my pain go away.  This pain is mine and it is raw.  I feel broken and lost.

I don't know where to start.  I don't know where it ends.  Every time I feel a glimpse of hope, I remember what is lost and it hits me deep again.  No June 30th.  No tiny toes or fingers.  No birthdays or family photos.  No heartbeat.

What was so joyful just last week has shaken my life upside down.  It is hard to know that the rest of the world is going about their days.  It's hard and I want to scream JUST. STOP.  But, it doesn't.  People are out buying gifts and decorating trees, and I don't blame them a bit.  I wish I could focus on those things instead.  But, I can't.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry.  I am angry.  I'm mad.  I'm upset.  But, I refuse to be bitter.  The Lord is still good.  He is still good.  Even if I have to fight to remind myself.  IT IS TRUE!  I saw it in the hospital administrator who followed me to the parking lot to tell me she understood and was praying for me.  To Michelle,  you will never understand the weight of those words to me.



  1. Emily, my heart breaks for you and Taylor. I can't begin to fathom what y'all are feeling and thinking. There are no words in existence to change the hurt, pain, and anger you're feeling, but praise God you have Jesus and amen He is the same.

    We love you and will be praying for you both in this time. I absolutely hated reading every single one of these words, but I know that it doesn't begin to compare with what it must have been to write them. My heart is pouring out to you...I love you.

  2. Beautifully said! I too had a miscarriage and it hurt, it was early on so most people who have not had one don't really understand! I pray for your peace and that continue to praise Jesus even in your time of sorrow. You are strong and I am proud of you my friend!

  3. I am so sorry, Emily. Your words are truly poignant.

  4. Dearest Emily, Taylor, and Gideon, I don't know exactly how you feel. I don't know the hurt that comes with this, but I do know that Jesus is the ultimate healer, even in the midst of such sorrow. I am so so so sorry this happened and I am praying for your family. He IS the same, He IS good...but that doesn't make it easier. That doesn't make it better. He makes beautiful things out of dust. His gospel is peace. I am praying for you. <3

  5. I love you Emily. I hurt for you and as your mom, I wish I could make it better. I wish I could make the pain go away or undo the situation. But I can't because I am human. So I am trusting my and your heavenly Father to do all the things I can't. And I know He is with you when I am too far away. You are an amazing woman. I love you. I am here for you anytime you need me. MOM

  6. Oh Emily, my heart hurts for you guys. I may not be able to offer much solace, but please, please know that I am praying for you guys and lifting you up often.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...