03 June 2013

One of Those Days.

It's been one of those days.  Well, it started out as one of those days.  Gideon was up twice last night.  My baby has yet to completely sleep straight through the night without waking up.  And that exhausts me.  I know it's not uncommon.  And he will mostly go between 7 and 10 hours without waking up.  But I always feel like I got the anomaly baby that will not sleep straight through.  Not a great way to start my day and then throw in the fact that he DID NOT WANT TO NAP and I could not calm him down and you have a mess called mama.  I mean, snapping at Taylor even though he did nothing, mess.

So what do you do?  You throw them both in the car and go to the mall to meet my sister for lunch.  And it really did help. Got home, nursed G and down he went for two hours and down I went for most of that time as well.  But, I am pretty positive I was a zombie before that dream state.

I came to a few realizations today. Some I already knew but just rediscovered today.  As a mama, you sacrifice every part of yourself for who knows how long.  I am pretty sure my mom is still sacrificing for me daily.  Even thoughts and worries, prayers and time.  I will never physically be the way I was before Gideon.  Yes, my body will be tired.  But, it will also not be the way it was before he was born. I have stretch marks.  BAD stretch marks and while I love what they represent and remind me that he was in there, they don't make me feel beautiful.  And as a mama, who wears spit up, whose hair is constantly a mess, and it is a miracle if I have a chance to shave my legs or get the conditioner all the way rinsed before he starts crying some days, it is nice to feel beautiful.

Realization number two, I can't do it all, on my own.  I am the Type A, do-it-myself-because-I-know-it-will-be-done-right person.  That's not fair.  Yes, it's not fair to me, but more importantly, it's not fair to Taylor or to Gideon.  I seriously cannot do it all on my own.  And stay sane.  Not going to happen.  I have to relent some of my fears of watching others (including my amazing family) do things and maybe do them a little different than I would.  In doing this, I will allow for some "me time."  Time to run (Which I did this evening and feel amazing), time to dress up, put on make-up or do my hair better than putting it in a pony tail (which usually ended up as a side pony tail by the end of the day.  Hey there, Saved by the Bell!), time to read and pray, time to sneak chocolate or paint my toenails.  This gives Taylor a chance to be the dad.  To be the amazing and fun father that he is and for me to step back and let him decide how things should be done.  I honestly have no desire to dictate how things are completed.  I am new at this and most of the time am guessing as much as anyone.

Realization three, I would do it a million time over.  Whoa.  Yep, I said it.  Even on days like these where I sometimes feel like I am going crazy, I love being a mama.  It is tough, but there is nothing like it.  Sure, it really doesn't come with accolades and bonuses like corporate jobs, but it comes with wet kisses, smiles, giggles, messy diapers :), thrown pureed peas, fat baby thighs, and the acknowledgment that they want to be with you by screaming their heads off when you put them down.  It's bliss, I tell ya.   Days like these I know would be a form of birth control for some.  But, I look forward to doing it all again.  Not as an expert.  Never.  As a learning mama.

So, there you have it.  I know this is not a typical weekend post which is great because my weekend didn't have much to it.  I am working on my Type A ways by not stressing about no "according to my iPhone" pictures.  But, since I can't leave it at that here is one for you:

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